Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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