a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
