Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
