I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
