ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Couch. On fire.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
