I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
