Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
