All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
