why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
