If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
