I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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