wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
