The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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