I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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