Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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