Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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