i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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