you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
