so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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