He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So much rum. So many feels.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
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