I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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