this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
