i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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