I met the friendliest cop last night
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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