Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
