I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
