I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
