so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we made out on top of his cat.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
