our cab driver is having phone sex.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
