I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
