I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
