i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
