Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
