He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
