i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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