don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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