U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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