If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
