mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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