'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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