I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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