I will die if light touches me.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there was a trapeze. enough said
I checked into jail on foursquare
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
