i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
ttyl tear gas
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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