Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
