She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
