Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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