Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
