would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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