i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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