scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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