her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
